my gosh, i think i'm developing feelings

i feel funny. am i starting to miss home now? i am not at the moment. i'm just reflecting, i think, now. i have all of this time. i need to write. fingers itch and mind gets moggy. i need to do something more active.

i imagine running. my excuse is the dust here. i should get masks. i should do a lot of things. apparently a gent from Cameroon who's working in the city asked me out for coffee yesterday night for tomorrow lunch. i said yes and delayed in recalling that one of my students was going to forward my contact info to some South African friend of hers. when she said it at first, i thought it was going to be a pen pal thing. apparently, i have heard of this guy from Cameroon. he's interested in a Chinese bride. i'm a little freaked by that. in many ways. i think it's ridiculous. i'll see how it goes. but of course! my mandate includes nothing of hooking up with anyone, nor do i want to. for a long time, i've felt that i've had enough.

and so i'm here reflecting. and you get to hear it.

what happen to that young cathy. in terms of relationships. why am i this way now? haha, more importantly, why don't i have feelings? i know it's ridiculous to hear, but in some twisted way, this is how i feel. hahaha.. will.. i meant good romantic feelings. i'm not swayed very well, and i think sapness is pure sapness. i must be picky.

i think i've had enough stupid relationships. relationships that i put myself horridly in. when recalling my favourite relationship at the moment, my only good one, i was so pure then. and this no feelings thing, is connected to some jaded feeling/air that i have. to me, the world is pretty black and white, i guess. why do things when they hurt you? nothing is important as you.

i try not to put myself in a situation like that.

when i went to xi'an, and went to the temple. i teared and controlled myself not to cry. i feel that i'm selfish all the time. i try so hard to step back and realize that it's not me, or any part of me. all that is negative is all we make of it. this is such an understatement. there are so many people who don't recognize this. i, just after a while, took so much in, and in the end, just let go. it was so easy to let go. and i want to be able to do this with everything.

[it is] some sort of bliss. i remember feeling it in high school in montreal. some state of nirvana. i was above. i had things in my life, but i thought what the hey. i was released from my childhood, from what i thought was horrible, and saw things differently.

and i stand in front of that temple, where it's been for a long time. where the day before i stood where people 1300 years ago stood, believing in something, praying for something, for someone. how can i step into something that is not myself anymore? why does it pain me, and why do i let it pain me? what am i looking for?

what does it mean to love someone? am i unit, or part of a unit? what is trust? and can we, be individual, independent and love?