"in my mindstorm i did carry you, through the briars of disbelief, woods of lethargy, groaning dark so deep, i thought i died" s. slean

it has been about a week or so, not hearing from the boy in bermuda. i don't know how i feel about that. actually, i'm feeling oodles. i'm not sure how to express it. ultimately, i realize that i am truly single. single in thought. single in everything else..

i was out with a good friend today, for dinner, -which was excellent by the way. [the convo] lead me to thinking of how we let ourselves fall in situations that we should ever submit to? these feelings and thoughts; what we call instincts, to whatever we are attracted to, are indeed entirely just that.

[i] used to be very good at looking at things for the long term, thinking that long term was of better and higher a cause, really. benefits in the long run, to the social being would total greater than petty short term happiness.

short term happiness means nothing, i thought. [long term, either] i held off, and became as "straight" as possible. "straight" meaning as neutral, and open, and accommodating. perhaps a definition from my viet lexicon. yes.

here lies some obsession. trying to figure out what i really am.
..

and when we talk, someone isn't listening.

waiting for the love of a travelin' soldier

lordy, i'm such a sap. the past few days, i've been listening to the sappiness of all sap. my favourites lately are, Traveling Soldier by the Dixie Chicks and I'll Fly Away by Alison Krauss & Gillian Welch (from the O brother.. soundtrack).

apparently i've got to veg for about a month before i leave for China. i was always a minimalist, and i think, it will make the end of me. nothing spectacular to realize.

when ends don't meet

relationships, i realized today, are never as simple as they seem. our views on how complicated things are, or not, are really not so. they are how and what our fears manifest, 'cause it's so much more simple to say, 'i don't understand why i have to share myself.'

i'm not usually the one to lie in bed to fret, and i'd like to say i'll never be. i mean, i have [done so] from time to time. when we're in relationships, i mean, slightly less generally.. when one is a relationship, there seems to be no other but the world you've consumed yourself in. what does it mean, to extend that warmth and the love in that relationship beyond your loved one and you, to others, too?

marriage. i believe that it is probable. but what, in that case, does it mean? i believe in it because my parents are in the most truest of it's form. despite occasional wicked words, and other non-usual union factors, there's compromise.

i bring this up, because one of my best friends have spoken candidly and bluntly of her way.. there may not be a partner, but there will be definitely a child. i don't mind that, but to me a partner could be more than a donor. i don't know, it conflicts me here. there is no doubt that a child will successful in his or her endeavors and upbringing with a single parent, but, for that single parent to have a partner at equal status, to love, and to be loved by.. may benefit everyone differently in a positive way, too.

i don't need to get married. i can have children, or i can not have children. i will adopt. but, i do want someone equal to me, to share with.. everything.

i guess it's because i've felt that love before. i've been hurt. i think i've been hurt for a long time. i dated quite young. then, i stopped dating for a long time. then went, smack dab humbled myself and fell for the sake of falling. now, i just feel like it's touch and go. i'm not sure how much love i should give, and how much i need. i still haven't loved anyone to that same degree. i feel rusty. that's really the whole point of it actually. i've been dating for awhile, at one point, i felt that i needed to. i mean, there is so much of me that i don't know yet. i try to explain that you learn more of your worth, but that is such an understatement. i wanted to end up someone who's put themselves in another's regard, and actually sentimentally, genuinely understand, or at least try to understand more about themselves. but it's so much more than that,.. taking up a role in another's life, and realizing the possibilities you can be..

it's unfortunate that i do feel rusty sometimes. i'd want to give all i could, and i still do. i complain to my best friends that i never give enough, and it's not automatic,.. and it should be. yes, some just don't know what to do. hmm.

i still don't know what i want [in the end]. i've given up on searching. i just want to be found. autonomous to myself, but still feel connected.

re-solutions

my resolution every year is to be healthier, -and i had always tried to incorporate in some way how I would exercise. i'm thinking in all the wishes and wants that i've brought myself to saying, i've achieved much; from being more confident, more social, less fearful, more open_ i just thought in being minimalist (eat less garbage), i can be healthier. i mean, i do, but.. i can't breathe. i'm aching physically. i've got to do something differently.

is it just the season? winter humbug and summer walkin'?

man of constant sorrow

oh brother! where art thou?! i watched this movie with zahra at her house the other day. i thought it was great! i knew i would love the music, and i did. there is just something to the strings of bluegrass that make myself lean to meet whoever else.. i mean, it's just basic, simple, uncomplicated by electronic facades. and the voice, -how i love the voice. sarah harmer got me into it. and now, i can't shake it.

tomorrow, i'm going to the doctor to get my form "completely" filled out, hopefully with no new discoveries with the results, then scan it on my break to send it to my contact.

i just had sushi with my sisters at the nearby sushi place.

i'll write more later. sex and the city.

chilled out

yesterday morning, i spent lifting up my shirt for strangers so they can give me a health check. it was in and out, much shorter waiting period than i had anticipated. it is the last of the many things i had to prepare to go to china. after my doctor gets the results, she fills out the rest of the form, and my working visa will be on it's way. then, finally i will be able to get the much, muchly anticipated tickets. my contact said everything is going very well so far. the only other person who got the offer with me, had his working visa rejected because his birth date on his resume was wrong. i do not want to be in that situation at all. my bags are mostly packed, i'm slowly easing my way to leaving. i need a big change. all i'm doing here is melting.

before i go.. [i]'ll be.. visiting my dear cousins, [seeing them again] in february, visiting my grandparents, leaving my post as hostess/bar-ress at the restaurant, leaving my physically-there sister role, daughter role, friend role. i need to leave unnoticed again, but i've learnt that i'm not unnoticed as before. meeting up with friends, quietly, and with sort of friends.

i'm slowly in the process of realizing this big change. i'm anxious for the working visa, but i know i got to wait.

currently reading John Irving. his writing sparks something for me. the way he describes things, the way a true writer should. i finished "The World According To Garp" and am quickly onto 'The Hotel New Hampshire." i was at the BMV downtown, and saw two more books that i will be buying pretty soon. i love BMV. good, cheap books. perhaps i will go down there again tomorrow.

First entry in a long time

i had deleted my site a long time ago. angelfire paraded my site with ads, etc, and it just looked horrid. it was fun while it lasted. hopefully, some day i could put up my poetry again, right now, it's all scribbles in my book, and i've become lazier at typing them out, so.. maybe not. another reason that i had stopped posting was because of my endeavors into the real world. i had started dating, and want to keep that private, which i'm pretty okay at doing. and so, i'm at that point again, where i could again, fill in web space delving into personal thoughts; thoughts i choose to reveal and thoughts i'd like to keep to myself. my daily adventures, my run-in's with people, my thoughts on situations, moments of humblement.. or something like that. i also wanted to start a small journal of my trip in China, which i will be partaking from March 2006.

humbled in everyway, everyday.