when ends don't meet

relationships, i realized today, are never as simple as they seem. our views on how complicated things are, or not, are really not so. they are how and what our fears manifest, 'cause it's so much more simple to say, 'i don't understand why i have to share myself.'

i'm not usually the one to lie in bed to fret, and i'd like to say i'll never be. i mean, i have [done so] from time to time. when we're in relationships, i mean, slightly less generally.. when one is a relationship, there seems to be no other but the world you've consumed yourself in. what does it mean, to extend that warmth and the love in that relationship beyond your loved one and you, to others, too?

marriage. i believe that it is probable. but what, in that case, does it mean? i believe in it because my parents are in the most truest of it's form. despite occasional wicked words, and other non-usual union factors, there's compromise.

i bring this up, because one of my best friends have spoken candidly and bluntly of her way.. there may not be a partner, but there will be definitely a child. i don't mind that, but to me a partner could be more than a donor. i don't know, it conflicts me here. there is no doubt that a child will successful in his or her endeavors and upbringing with a single parent, but, for that single parent to have a partner at equal status, to love, and to be loved by.. may benefit everyone differently in a positive way, too.

i don't need to get married. i can have children, or i can not have children. i will adopt. but, i do want someone equal to me, to share with.. everything.

i guess it's because i've felt that love before. i've been hurt. i think i've been hurt for a long time. i dated quite young. then, i stopped dating for a long time. then went, smack dab humbled myself and fell for the sake of falling. now, i just feel like it's touch and go. i'm not sure how much love i should give, and how much i need. i still haven't loved anyone to that same degree. i feel rusty. that's really the whole point of it actually. i've been dating for awhile, at one point, i felt that i needed to. i mean, there is so much of me that i don't know yet. i try to explain that you learn more of your worth, but that is such an understatement. i wanted to end up someone who's put themselves in another's regard, and actually sentimentally, genuinely understand, or at least try to understand more about themselves. but it's so much more than that,.. taking up a role in another's life, and realizing the possibilities you can be..

it's unfortunate that i do feel rusty sometimes. i'd want to give all i could, and i still do. i complain to my best friends that i never give enough, and it's not automatic,.. and it should be. yes, some just don't know what to do. hmm.

i still don't know what i want [in the end]. i've given up on searching. i just want to be found. autonomous to myself, but still feel connected.