"in my mindstorm i did carry you, through the briars of disbelief, woods of lethargy, groaning dark so deep, i thought i died" s. slean

it has been about a week or so, not hearing from the boy in bermuda. i don't know how i feel about that. actually, i'm feeling oodles. i'm not sure how to express it. ultimately, i realize that i am truly single. single in thought. single in everything else..

i was out with a good friend today, for dinner, -which was excellent by the way. [the convo] lead me to thinking of how we let ourselves fall in situations that we should ever submit to? these feelings and thoughts; what we call instincts, to whatever we are attracted to, are indeed entirely just that.

[i] used to be very good at looking at things for the long term, thinking that long term was of better and higher a cause, really. benefits in the long run, to the social being would total greater than petty short term happiness.

short term happiness means nothing, i thought. [long term, either] i held off, and became as "straight" as possible. "straight" meaning as neutral, and open, and accommodating. perhaps a definition from my viet lexicon. yes.

here lies some obsession. trying to figure out what i really am.
..

and when we talk, someone isn't listening.