spirituality

i believe that once i felt spiritual. i was inherently Buddhist. i believed in full circles, karma and being "good". pain was what you made of it. and with this, pure optimism that everything will fall into place. everything that is good will be not good, and everything that wasn't good would be good. whatever that means.

ever since, i returned from being abroad, i don't have this feeling anymore. my grandpa who passed away years ago isn't protecting me anymore. the shoddy situations where children are exploited for the benefit of ** adults continue to live in the small city of 2 million in chin, at bus routes going up the length of vietnam.

is there where my spirituality has gone?

the move to Ottawa, a new home, a new housemate

i moved to Ottawa at the beginning of February. since then, i've been feeling more and more homesick. from the beginning, i knew things were almost all anew and that i had a lot to learn. from the beginning, i knew i was going to sign up for classes and activities in the city. since then, we've attended mostly badminton drop-ins. it's great, but really, it's not my kind of socializing.

i've spoken about taking up classes, learning to drive, meeting up with random strangers for language-exchange, etc.. however, i've found excuses for all.

before i go too far, if you look in the first paragraph, i've used the word "we" in one of the sentences. yes, so that's another big change. not only is it a new housemate, it's a significant other. it was definitely easier with just co-habitating with non-romantic activity partners, but to define your day to include someone who is meant to be in your daily life consistently, is somewhat a challenge.

i loved the independence that we both had living in different cities. now, as i realize this moment, i have to relearn that independence. i've grown dependent and i think i'm deteriorating. i need to not give excuses and just figure out how i fit in this city and how i can control more of what i do during the day.