puking and the metro

food poisoning on the road

hey folk, i'm physically weak. being subjected to food poisoning really sucks. i will not have steak for a long time. especially ordered anywhere near rare. memories of pukin' suffice.

yesterday i was on the montreal express from toronto, and i got sick again. on my weak stomach, i puked out all the best pad thai i had ever. earlier that day, i took the go train and bus to hamilton, and the express bus back to toronto from hamilton. i felt alright, and knew i wasn't up in my best. i got back to toronto with only one meal in me, plus beer. i wasn't sure if i should eat for the sake of eating. my stomach needed food i knew, but [i] opted not to get anything. it was a good decision.

two hours into my trip to ottawa from toronto, i started to get sick. i barely made it to the bus bathroom, and i puked all over the seat, most of it in the hole of course. i'm telling you, because this is important. in depth in the adventures of me.. well, anyway.

i was sitting right behind the driver, so i was sitting at the furthest seat from the bathroom, and i was sure to have thrown up in the aisle, landing some noodle on someone's foot. it could've but didn't happen. well, the second time was basically the same. i finally put on tiger balm. it comes in handy.

we got out of the bus, realizing that the driver did indeed rush his way. i knew then that i was going to give them a complaint letter definitely. i totally have been using their services many times, and i've never had a problem. but! for me to have to vomit, induced by a cowboy driver, wasn't how i pictured spending my evening.

i got to montreal finally without anymore gross stuff coming out of me, knowing that i would be early for the metro/subway system. so i sat. continued my scarf for my grandma.

the metro

transit fare is the same in toronto $2.50, which is expensive in toronto, but more expensive in montreal in comparison to the price of their metropass.

i love the metro. it is indeed quite different than the subway system in toronto. not just the bigger platforms, artistic value of it's construction, smaller cars, but!! the people who ride them. montreal is the place of students. for the independent in love with romance.

my cousin told me he'd pick me up, but i said i'd take the metro. my reasons. i'd stay in all the days i'd be here anyway, it would be nice to take the metro for at least that day. fine gentlemen waiting on the platform.

it is ridiculous. so i'm there with vomit in my hair (not apparent), waiting for the first train to come, crocheting, exhausted.. i move my backpack from the seat next to me to my feet. there were more and more people on the platform. two minutes later, someone sits next to me.

he asks for the time. i got confused the first time he asked me. my french is mediocre. i said, "oh," and got my phone. we started talking, and in french! yikes!

okay.. well after i get off the metro.. everything winds down..

home in montreal

i found my way to my aunt's place. slept. ate congee. emailed. watched chinese dramas. crochet'd. blog.

tomorrow visiting grandma.

had indian dinner with friends on sunday. pictures up when i'm back from holiday!~

wastin' time, i am i am

i don't feel very good right now. i spent four days setting up my family pictures chronologically to the best of my knowledge, and a family member accidentally [just] dropped it. i understand, but.. arrgh.. i know i'll fix it.. actually, i might not? i can't possibly be the only one who took an interest in fixing it up all nice.

besides that, everything is going well. i had a bit of my going away cheer today. the last day with my mississauga tutees. their 77% alcoholic chinese hard liquor was not at all tempting, not even to the sips they got me to take. more and more people coming out on sunday, which i'm incredulously happy about.

i'm happy that i'm welcomed well with my family in ottawa and montreal. i can't wait to go to both. that reminds me that i still have two scarves to make. the one for khalid is done. all hot red and done.

i'm supposed to pick up my visa tomorrow, but i'm working the lunch shift for a friend, so i won't be able to get it.. unless i'm off before 3.. but probably not.

i waste a lot of time in front of the computer. cursed able techie uncle who fixes computers that i mess up.

i should go do some creative writing.. or reading.

"leavin' it to change," a. aguilera

oh! today is tuesday. that means i'm getting my working visa on tomorrow. it is the last thing/important document i need before my departure. i'm currently in my last full week in toronto. from monday i'm going to be in hamilton, montreal, and ottawa. this sunday, i'm going to an indian restaurant with friends.

every day is a step closer to a welcomed new change. i've actually been planning this trip for 4 years after realizing that everything, is really in my own hands. my reality, that is. i didn't know exactly what i wanted to do with my life. and, as the days get closer, i'm realizing myself even more. myself, being who i've always been trying to exude.

i miss playing the flute in a band. i miss written/creative publication. i miss volunteering. i miss far away friends. i miss the summer, lazing.

i really do appreciate a lot. and to some dismay, lately i've been feeling, am i just leaving for the thought of leaving. unfortunately, it does seem that way to some (and maybe a bit to me.) i have been planning it for a long while. i guess, it's an opportunity. of course it is.

i'm packed, and almost ready to go..

oh yeah, i got a camera. still dormant. i mean, waiting for my friend to find cheaper deal for me. yes. a camera. yay!

should we ask to receive?

i just got my visa and working visa today, in my jammies, at the door. apparently i have to go to the embassy to get the visa processed or something. i would have gone today, but annie has my metropass, and i have to wait.. i have to work.. so i'll leave it for tomorrow on my break. then, i'm getting my ticket on saturday, before work.

i'm very indifferent now. i know it's going to be a big change, and as i told my love Zahra, that i can't wait to be back. and i'm excited. i'm excited of being able to go away to drift into cracks of humble-ment, again, then, coming back putting what i've learnt into practice. my new adventure will be no doubt crazy.

so yes, i can't wait until i'm into my late 20s. i'm only 24, but being 27/28 is something different. different wants and needs. settling, having all my resources at full. i've decided to settle in toronto when i come back. it took me 9.5 years to realize that i want to do just that. before that, for a very short while, that i could be anywhere. and before that, i had no doubt wanted to return to montreal. and montreal, i may still want to be buried there. it was an absolute, but thinking about it.. i could be buried here, too. i know it's a weird thing to think about.

i found this website: http://www.youtube.com, which is really cool.
saw the mtv movies' best kiss of 2005, and teared like a baby. toronto has made me become a sap. that damn ryan gosling and rachel mcadams.

quand je pars

28 days until i make the grand leap. still haven't got my tickets, but will do so next week. i did my final purchases for the trip today. including gravel, bepto pills, tissues travel size, yarn for my last few scarves to make before i leave :(.. i also got this photo album for my family pictures. it holds 440 photos, but! after filling it up, i realize i have to get another one. i'm going through them and i'm laughing and trying to make sense of us in it. i mean, we look so different. i know it was not too far away, but so much has happened.

on the 27th i'm going to hamilton to visit khalid. it'll probably be a lone trip. haven't seen him much, except for the times he'd pick me up from somewhere, we'd exchange short chit chat, then he'd drop me off at home.

he told me, and it had occurred to me that i should see as many people as i can before i leave. i don't need to. i know this. to me, farewells are essentially goodbyes. even though i don't know when i'm coming back, i will see them again. yes, it'll be 10 months in china, and more of whatever number in vietnam.. need to print out that vietnam visa form tomorrow. [but yes, an imprint of how our loved ones are before they leave would be nice..]

tomorrow night is zahra's party. i haven't been out much.. really, and i really enjoy her house parties. i will miss her.. ..

tonight, i came home from work, ate, filled album, watched tv, checked net, cleaned the bathroom (kathy is coming over for the night tomorrow). i've been getting plenty of the people i care for the most in the past couple of weeks. except for john. i have to call him in the next week.. :(

i'm going to miss many..

question of the day

why do we depend on others to make ourselves happy?

crock

i'm watching "moulin rouge" in the meanwhile. it's the 2nd time i'm watching it. it's crock. i mean, it's meant to be. a huge exaggeration of all emotions in relations of love.

i feel sorry for you readers. maybe it's 'cause i've been harbouring what i've been feeling love means, that i've been writing all this dovey stuff lately.

i'm actually going to write to a friend instead of posting my tedious thoughts here.

this is a line from the movie, from which i may derive some creative writing from later
why can't i feel like everyone else does

oh yeah, i went to get my haircut at a nice salon as a hair model. all she did was trim it. blahness. i was ready for change

"in my mindstorm i did carry you, through the briars of disbelief, woods of lethargy, groaning dark so deep, i thought i died" s. slean

it has been about a week or so, not hearing from the boy in bermuda. i don't know how i feel about that. actually, i'm feeling oodles. i'm not sure how to express it. ultimately, i realize that i am truly single. single in thought. single in everything else..

i was out with a good friend today, for dinner, -which was excellent by the way. [the convo] lead me to thinking of how we let ourselves fall in situations that we should ever submit to? these feelings and thoughts; what we call instincts, to whatever we are attracted to, are indeed entirely just that.

[i] used to be very good at looking at things for the long term, thinking that long term was of better and higher a cause, really. benefits in the long run, to the social being would total greater than petty short term happiness.

short term happiness means nothing, i thought. [long term, either] i held off, and became as "straight" as possible. "straight" meaning as neutral, and open, and accommodating. perhaps a definition from my viet lexicon. yes.

here lies some obsession. trying to figure out what i really am.
..

and when we talk, someone isn't listening.

waiting for the love of a travelin' soldier

lordy, i'm such a sap. the past few days, i've been listening to the sappiness of all sap. my favourites lately are, Traveling Soldier by the Dixie Chicks and I'll Fly Away by Alison Krauss & Gillian Welch (from the O brother.. soundtrack).

apparently i've got to veg for about a month before i leave for China. i was always a minimalist, and i think, it will make the end of me. nothing spectacular to realize.

when ends don't meet

relationships, i realized today, are never as simple as they seem. our views on how complicated things are, or not, are really not so. they are how and what our fears manifest, 'cause it's so much more simple to say, 'i don't understand why i have to share myself.'

i'm not usually the one to lie in bed to fret, and i'd like to say i'll never be. i mean, i have [done so] from time to time. when we're in relationships, i mean, slightly less generally.. when one is a relationship, there seems to be no other but the world you've consumed yourself in. what does it mean, to extend that warmth and the love in that relationship beyond your loved one and you, to others, too?

marriage. i believe that it is probable. but what, in that case, does it mean? i believe in it because my parents are in the most truest of it's form. despite occasional wicked words, and other non-usual union factors, there's compromise.

i bring this up, because one of my best friends have spoken candidly and bluntly of her way.. there may not be a partner, but there will be definitely a child. i don't mind that, but to me a partner could be more than a donor. i don't know, it conflicts me here. there is no doubt that a child will successful in his or her endeavors and upbringing with a single parent, but, for that single parent to have a partner at equal status, to love, and to be loved by.. may benefit everyone differently in a positive way, too.

i don't need to get married. i can have children, or i can not have children. i will adopt. but, i do want someone equal to me, to share with.. everything.

i guess it's because i've felt that love before. i've been hurt. i think i've been hurt for a long time. i dated quite young. then, i stopped dating for a long time. then went, smack dab humbled myself and fell for the sake of falling. now, i just feel like it's touch and go. i'm not sure how much love i should give, and how much i need. i still haven't loved anyone to that same degree. i feel rusty. that's really the whole point of it actually. i've been dating for awhile, at one point, i felt that i needed to. i mean, there is so much of me that i don't know yet. i try to explain that you learn more of your worth, but that is such an understatement. i wanted to end up someone who's put themselves in another's regard, and actually sentimentally, genuinely understand, or at least try to understand more about themselves. but it's so much more than that,.. taking up a role in another's life, and realizing the possibilities you can be..

it's unfortunate that i do feel rusty sometimes. i'd want to give all i could, and i still do. i complain to my best friends that i never give enough, and it's not automatic,.. and it should be. yes, some just don't know what to do. hmm.

i still don't know what i want [in the end]. i've given up on searching. i just want to be found. autonomous to myself, but still feel connected.

re-solutions

my resolution every year is to be healthier, -and i had always tried to incorporate in some way how I would exercise. i'm thinking in all the wishes and wants that i've brought myself to saying, i've achieved much; from being more confident, more social, less fearful, more open_ i just thought in being minimalist (eat less garbage), i can be healthier. i mean, i do, but.. i can't breathe. i'm aching physically. i've got to do something differently.

is it just the season? winter humbug and summer walkin'?

man of constant sorrow

oh brother! where art thou?! i watched this movie with zahra at her house the other day. i thought it was great! i knew i would love the music, and i did. there is just something to the strings of bluegrass that make myself lean to meet whoever else.. i mean, it's just basic, simple, uncomplicated by electronic facades. and the voice, -how i love the voice. sarah harmer got me into it. and now, i can't shake it.

tomorrow, i'm going to the doctor to get my form "completely" filled out, hopefully with no new discoveries with the results, then scan it on my break to send it to my contact.

i just had sushi with my sisters at the nearby sushi place.

i'll write more later. sex and the city.

chilled out

yesterday morning, i spent lifting up my shirt for strangers so they can give me a health check. it was in and out, much shorter waiting period than i had anticipated. it is the last of the many things i had to prepare to go to china. after my doctor gets the results, she fills out the rest of the form, and my working visa will be on it's way. then, finally i will be able to get the much, muchly anticipated tickets. my contact said everything is going very well so far. the only other person who got the offer with me, had his working visa rejected because his birth date on his resume was wrong. i do not want to be in that situation at all. my bags are mostly packed, i'm slowly easing my way to leaving. i need a big change. all i'm doing here is melting.

before i go.. [i]'ll be.. visiting my dear cousins, [seeing them again] in february, visiting my grandparents, leaving my post as hostess/bar-ress at the restaurant, leaving my physically-there sister role, daughter role, friend role. i need to leave unnoticed again, but i've learnt that i'm not unnoticed as before. meeting up with friends, quietly, and with sort of friends.

i'm slowly in the process of realizing this big change. i'm anxious for the working visa, but i know i got to wait.

currently reading John Irving. his writing sparks something for me. the way he describes things, the way a true writer should. i finished "The World According To Garp" and am quickly onto 'The Hotel New Hampshire." i was at the BMV downtown, and saw two more books that i will be buying pretty soon. i love BMV. good, cheap books. perhaps i will go down there again tomorrow.

First entry in a long time

i had deleted my site a long time ago. angelfire paraded my site with ads, etc, and it just looked horrid. it was fun while it lasted. hopefully, some day i could put up my poetry again, right now, it's all scribbles in my book, and i've become lazier at typing them out, so.. maybe not. another reason that i had stopped posting was because of my endeavors into the real world. i had started dating, and want to keep that private, which i'm pretty okay at doing. and so, i'm at that point again, where i could again, fill in web space delving into personal thoughts; thoughts i choose to reveal and thoughts i'd like to keep to myself. my daily adventures, my run-in's with people, my thoughts on situations, moments of humblement.. or something like that. i also wanted to start a small journal of my trip in China, which i will be partaking from March 2006.

humbled in everyway, everyday.